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Because the 101 class only covered the basics.
In December I changed jobs (within my company) and moved to a department in HR. If you haven’t noticed it in your own company, look around. HR is about 90% women. This new influx of female co-workers in my life also led to an influx of ladies in the ladies room, which thus inspired this post. I was/am amazed/shocked/bewildered by the things people will do in a public, nay, corporate public bathroom. If I had my way, the following would be mandated:
1. The bathroom is not a suitable place for prayer. I’m not a super religious person but something tells me God would be upset that you’re saying His name while on the shitter. Show some respect. Nothing can make me hold my breath faster than when I hear the lady next to me start to say “Oh Jesus! Oh Jesus!” over and over again while, based on the frequency and the severity of her voice in which she’s saying this mantra, I can only imagine that she is pushing something the size of a mack truck out of her ass. Makes me want to tell her to go eat some spinach, but I don’t talk to strangers in the bathroom (rule from the 101 class). Other phrases to avoid during and after the pooh:
“Hallelujah!”
“Oh Lord, help me!”
“Jesus Christ!”
2. Unless you are 9 months pregnant and it’s about that time, lamaze should be practiced at your birthing class, not in stall number 2. As with rule #1, if you feel you must “heee heee heee” or “hoo hoo hoo” to get the deed done, you probably need to add some green, leafy veggies to your daily diet.
3. Leave your cell phone at your desk. At least once a day I walk into the ladies room and there is someone locked in a stall talking on their phone. As someone who doesn’t even like to talk to other people in the ladies room when I’m doing my business, I was completely dumbstruck the first time I heard a cell phone convo. To the point where when I was done I questioned whether or not to flush because it might be construed as rude. WTF? I thought to my self and then pushed the handle down forcefully (I don’t know what I was trying to accomplish here with the extra forceful flush, but it felt good). If the lady next to me doesn’t care that her friend on the other end of the line hears her emptying her tank and/or pushing out breakfast, then clearly the sound of a flushing toilet is no worse, right? This is what I rationalized to myself. It’d really just be better for everyone involved if you left your cell phone on your desk. Plus you’d avoid all the gross public bathroom germs on your phone and avoid any accidental drops in the toilet (no way you’re going to fish that out).
There’s my rant. Three simple rules would make (my) poddy time so much more enjoyable.
I was talking to my potential *interest* last night on the phone and he mentioned that he told two of his (female) co-workers about me. Interested that he’s already telling folks about me, I inquired about what was said. He prefaced the conversation by letting me know that one co-worker was old (no range given) and one was young (I take that to mean younger than me, but whatev).
Potential Interest: “They asked how many times we’ve been out and I said two or three. They immediately got all giggly and kept raising their eyebrows and saying things like “ohhhhhhh! ewwwwww!”. When I finally asked why they were acting like that they were astonished that I didn’t know that the third date is the first-time-we-have-sex-date. Did you know that the third date was internationally known as the let’s-have-sex-date??”
Me: (long pause)”Um, no, I didn’t know that. I guess we’re behind the curve.”
PI: “Then they asked me if you shaved your legs.”
Me: “Uh huh…and how did you reply?”
PI: “I told them yes, you did. They started ewwing and awwing again. They said that was a sure sign that you wanted to do me.”
Me: “Hmmm, did you tell them it was because I was wearing a dress?”.
PI: “No, I let them think that it was a sure sign you wanted to do me.”
Now, I’m no prude but I am in awe that this supposed international “rule” has escaped being a blip on my grid. I started to think it was just these two ladies who knew of this, um, equation and Potential Interest quickly added “I called my best girl friend and asked her what date to have sex on and she said the third one.” He said the rationale (as it was explained to him) went something like this:
First date – actions run the gamut. Kiss, don’t kiss. Try to have sex if you don’t really care about seeing her again. Basically anything goes.
Second date – if you like the girl, you better kiss her or else she’ll think you don’t like her. Don’t even try to have sex with her.
Third date – as we discussed above – let’s jump in bed.
So, is PI pulling my leg or has any one else ever heard of this before?!? I don’t really believe there is a general rule of thumb when it comes to when to sleep with someone, but I can’t say I’m not fascinated by what people believe to be the social norm.
Me, myself, I have run the gamut. One night stands that turned into relationships, one night stands that (thank God) stayed one night stands, waiting a month, waiting 6 months. So no, I don’t have rule. Apparently I have a range (1 month – 3 months is my norm). Any occurences that happened out of my range I’ve usually regretted/cringe when I think of it. I guess the reason why I’m so intrigued with this so-called third date rule is that having sex with someone for the first time is such a personal decision (obviously, I know) depending on so many factors I find it comical that some have tried to whittle it down to a certain day.
For now PI and I are content smooching and spooning. Maybe a little over-the-sweater action…and maybe some grab ass. But that’s it (for now) 
No, I’m not talking about the Showtime series. I’m talking about 10 of my favorite things that start with the letter L courtesty of LiLu. Once such word: LONG-OVERDUE, as in I’m long overdue for a post!
If you want to participate, leave a comment on this post and I will assign you a letter. You then write about 10 things you love that begin with your assigned letter and post them on your blog. When people comment on your posted list, you give them a letter and the chain continues on and on.
Here goes:
Lists - as in to-do lists, grocery lists, playlists on my itunes, etc. I like to at least pretend to be organized and together. Plus I get a supreme sense of satisfaction when I cross something off the list – makes me feel productive.
Letters - I have kept every love letter, note, post card, bday card, etc. since high school. I keep them all jumbled up in boxes and bags in my closest and every once in awhile I’ll pull them out and take a fun trip down memory lane. In the age of email and texting, letter-writing has become scarce so I’m glad I’ve held onto a piece of my past this way.
Laughter – aside from sleep, I really do think it’s the best medicine! I love hearing people with huge, loud, unabashed, almost borderline obnixous laughs – makes my day
Love songs – love hopeful, love lost, love beginning, I don’t care – I love them all and if you think about it, 90% of the songs out there were written in this vein.
L-blogs – three of my favorite blogs just happen to start with this lovely letter: Live It, Love It, Lemon Gloria, and (The) Life of MB. You ladies are awesome, I must say.
Lip Gloss – I can’t live without it. At any given moment I have at least 3 tubes with me. I keep a couple at my desk at work. And if you open any of my clutches you’re bound to find a random tube.
Longing – sounds strange, but I enjoy that ache that you feel in your stomach (or heart) when you’re longing for something (ahem, in my case lately this longing is for someone of the male persuasion). It’s hopeful longing, not sad longing. At least that’s what I tell myself…
Learning – as hokey as it sounds, I do like to learn. My interests are far and wide (ADD perhaps?) so I’m into exploring some things a bit deeper. Last fall I took sewing lessons. Next month I’m taking some jewelry making classes – I’m super excited! Just call me Curious George.
Lasciviousness/Lewdness – I have the mind of a 12 year old boy. Double entrendres give me so much glee I have to bite my lip at times. So there’s the lewd part. As far as lasciviousness goes, I once had an ex-boyfriend tell me that I had more testosterone than some guys he knew because I wanted it all.the.time. What can I say? A girl has needs, too. And lasciviousness is such a nice segue to my next L word:
Leary - as in Denis Leary. My friend Peach got me hooked on Rescue Me, and thus I became hooked on Denis Leary as well. I can’t watch the show without getting hard for him. Yowza! And I don’t normally like blonds. New season starts April 7th!!!!
And there you have it! Man it felt good stretching my fingers – more posts to come. I’ve been dating, dating, and dating so I do have some new fodder to work with. I hope you all have a great weekend!
I have numerous drafts, I swear. I just can’t seem to finish anything. I’ve been in a funk for awhile now and I’m trying not to spread the infection of my moody blues. Ramblings and tangents to come. I feel what I hope is me slipping back into my old self. The trip to NC helped a little, but it also served as a reminder of what I don’t have and desperately want – a family. Inspite of the awkward argument that occured in front of me when my brother was a complete dick to my sister-in-law, I was a bit teary on the plane ride home wishing that my life was different. Yes, I am a master at downplaying the parts that don’t fit the pretty picture I have in my head!
