Restless

“I just can’t stand bein’ alone.
Gonna have to change that some day.
There’s a restless feelin’ in my bones an’ I know,
That at times, it just won’t go away.”
-Alison Krauss

Disclaimer – this is just a vent, not an invitation to my pity party.  Simply asking the questions that my counselor won’t (or can’t) answer. 

I don’t like feeling this way.  That feeling you have when you want to escape yourself, get out of your own skin.  When you don’t want to be you.  When you prefer to be around people, but then logic tells you that if you don’t even want to be around yourself, why subject innocent bystanders to this not-so-good version of yourself?  Not exactly the blues – more like wondering where the inexplicable rain cloud that exits only over your head came from.  Only in my case, it’s not so inexplicable.  It’s funny (or sad, depending on how you view it) how I can let one little thing send me spiraling into this kind of funk. 

Something happened between NCB and me.  The scale tipped and I don’t know how or why.  Monday I picked him up and we went out to lunch followed by coffee.  When I drove him back to his house we then had a 2 hour make out session.   And then Tuesday?  Distant.  As in 3000 miles away distant.    Now I know I said I wasn’t going to create any grand plans in my head involving the two of us and I didn’t.  Last week he was the initiator.  The one calling, texting, emailing me.  I thought we were spending too much time together (and told him so).  I wasn’t sure how I felt about him long-term potential-wise.  I liked hanging out with him (and making out with him), but I wasn’t sure I saw us as a fit.  I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was the one in control.  So, yes, it drove me crazy on Tuesday when I felt like I was being ignored.  We talked Tuesday night and I could tell we were definitely in a severely gray area.  We’ve emailed once since then – totally benign. 

After some over-analyzing, I figured out something I don’t like about myself: I’m more concerned with having the other person think I’m fabulous than I am with figuring out how I really feel about the other person.  What – now I’m interested/care about him because I perceive that there is something he doesn’t like about me?  I all of a sudden want (need?) him to validate my feelings?  That’s fucked up. 

So then what do I with this new found disgust?  Well after two fishbowl sized glasses of wine, I start cyberstalking the ghosts of relationships past.  Google-ing names.  Checking out theknot.com and wedding channel.  (Tangent – I know I know, I should be on Facebook for the ultimate stalking tools, but I just  can’t do it).  I started with a guy I had a relationship/friendship with for about 5 years.  This past October he called me out of the blue and told me was engaged.  This was the guy who at 25 asked me to make a pact with him to marry each other at 30 (yeah, we both turn 30 this summer).  Since that call I’ve often wondered if that’s the only reason he called me – to tell me that the pact was off.  That he doesn’t need me anymore because he found somebody and is getting married just in time, right under the wire.  On the heels of my break up, I wasn’t upset to hear his news, but in my mind I did feel like I was being kicked while down.  I deleted his number from my phone – I love the satisfaction of seeing the name float into a trash can – this is my version of cutting someone out of my life (better said here).  If we were really still (at the very least) “friends”, why didn’t I even know he was dating someone?  I might mention here that while he called me October, the engagement occurred in July.  My counselor disagreed with my actions, but sometimes friendships (esp. one sided ones) are not worth saving.  So I looked at his wedding page.  Cute fiance.  Stupid spelling of her name (ok, I guess that’s not her fault).  Good luck to them come May, but I’m done.

Then on to one of my college boyfriends.  He doesn’t appear to be engaged.  He still lives in the ATL area.  Still hanging out with his frat brothers. 

Thank God, I stopped after that (you call it passing out, I call it stopping).  I don’t know why I indulge in these self-destructing behaviors.  Hypothesizing the reasons why these different men don’t want to be with me and such. 

But I’m fighting to stop the madness.  Another secret I haven’t told many people – I signed up for online dating after the barrage of commercials over the holidays.  I had my first date with a potential, pre-screened loverface last night.  While there was no zsa zsa zsu, he was very nice and I actually had a good time despite not getting the butterfly feeling I so look forward to. 

I’m getting back on the horse.  Even if right now the majority of my body is on the ground and I’m merely pulling the horse’s tail while being dragged, I’m confident I’ll be in the saddle soon.

Lighter stuff to come – Miss Vanna White (aka LiLu) is giving out letters for a fun little exercise in which we write about things we love starting with our given letter.  It’s always nice to be grateful for and recognize the things we heart – especially in times of heaviness. 

Fun with Supplements

I had my yearly physical last week (with my very cute, new doctor I might add) and yesterday the office called me to give me all my test results.  It was pretty much as I expected – cholesterol was a little high (thanks Dad for that gem of a genetic trait) and I’m free and clear of any diseases that could affect my sex life (well, let’s be honest, lack of sex life lately).  The one surprise was hearing that I’m anemic.  The nurse was rattling so many things off to me, I totally misheard the supplement I was supposed to get for my iron deficiency.  So, being the Google queen that I am, I started my search.

I found nothing under what I now know to be a gross misspelling of the supplement name, so I searched on “anemia + supplements”.  The first site I checked had this handy table.  My eye immediately went to Iron, but then I caught what I deemed to be an interesting word on a medical website in the preceding supplement name:

My dirty mind finds this highly funny.  I immediately email NCB with my discovery with my email ending with “You can’t tell me that’s NOT funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”. 

Only after I sent the email did I click the link.  It got better (at least in my opinion):

 

 

Horny Goat Weed (Epimedium)

Horny goat weed is an herb that has been a traditional remedy in China for centuries. It’s used for low libido, erectile dysfunction, fatigue, pain, and other conditions.

Horny Goat Weed Uses

Some men take horny goat weed in the belief that it’s a natural alternative to drugs for erectile dysfunction (ED). Although still preliminary, there’s new evidence to support the idea. A 2008 lab study found that a compound in the herb blocks the effects of an enzyme that restricts blood flow to the penis. What’s more, the study indicated that horny goat weed could theoretically work better — and cause fewer side effects — than current drugs for erectile dysfunction.

Although the study is promising, it’s based only on experiments in a laboratory. It’s too early to tell if horny goat weed will prove an effective and safe treatment in people.

Horny goat weed has also been studied as a treatment for other conditions, like osteoporosis and hardening of the arteries. The results have been unclear.

 

 

Again, I immediately emailed NCB (too bad my subject line on the first email was “last email of the day” – I had to start this second email with “I lied”) and included the above info.  I ended the email with “I can’t stop laughing!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Yes, I know I’m severely immature”

 

 

 

His response: (shaking my head) happy you entertain yourself   that is an interesting topic of conversation

Oh well, can’t win ‘em all, but I must say that I am happy I can entertain myself.  Definitely helps me get through the day sometimes   And yes, I know kharma will bite me in the ass for laughing at ED, but at least when I am faced with, um, limpness, I’ve got a remedy waiting at my nearest Walgreens

 

 

 

The good twin, the evil twin, and the virgin

Newsboy cap boy (from here on out known as NCB) and I have been hanging out incessantlyspending some time getting to know each other.  We got on the topic of birthdays and zodiac signs on our date on Monday and started talking about our supposed traits and whether we exhibited said traits.  So Tuesday I did a quick and dirty Google search on Virgos and then made a spreadsheet with my assessment of NCB and then a column for him to confirm or deny.  Like so:

Virgo Traits	PLT’s opinion if NCB has this trait	NCB to confirm or deny
Analytical / critical / insightful	TRUE
Conservative / conventional	you say no, but I don’t have enough info yet
Fussy and a worrier	FALSE
Hygienic / clean	TRUE
Intelligent and analytical	TRUE
Mental / intelligent / inquiring	TRUE
Meticulous and reliable	TBD
Modest and shy	FALSE
Orderly / methodical	TBD
Overcritical and harsh	FALSE
Perfectionist and conservative	PERFECTONIST, PERHAPS
Practical and diligent	TRUE
Precise / meticulous	TRUE
Refined / polite / well mannered	TRUE
Reserved / cool / undemonstrative	TRUE
Responsible / reliable	TRUE
Shrewd / witty / clever	TRUE

He answered and then even added some more Virgo traits and whether or not he possessed them. 

Then he made a Gemini assessment for me.  It was insane.  He had appoximately 40 rows of traits, referenced every site he got the traits from, and then included a detailed entry on why or why not he thought I had this trait.  It was actually a lot of fun to fill out the sheet and some of the Gemini traits he found surprised me.  Some of my faves:

Gemini Traits	NCB’s opinion if PLT has this trait	PLT to confirm or deny
Geminis never leave you guessing what is going on with them. Their faces tell it all; their eyes are either glowing from a heartfelt joy, or darkened by unhappy and depressing feelings of anger or despair	Haha…I kind of liked this one. As Stare Bear I would say your eyes are very telling, but the words aren’t quite there to confirm. So don’t know yet	very true. Unfortunately I show everything on my face.  I will never be a world renowned poker player
Geminis have a quick wit and a quicker tongue, and sometimes say things that are hurtful without meaning to do so. This is not intentional, as a Gemini would never calculate to hurt someone they care for. This tendency to speak without thinking can also cause them to make promises that they cannot make good on	Don’t know yet. TRUE to quick wit/tongue, but you mentioned that you take things personally and are more mindful of that so lean  toward FALSE on the rest, but…	your assessment is correct – I overthink things trying to be too tactful, but sometimes I slip up and speak before I can filter.  I usually don’t make promises I don’t follow through on.
Geminis will never miss an opportunity to laugh	TRUE…giggle girl	TRUE
is a great friend, taking an interest in any new subject	I would say TRUE…you are very engaged when in conversation	TRUE – if you stick around you’ll see I have quite the range of friends  - which I love, but I learned the hard way that I can’t really mix my circles as easily as I would like
There is no such animal as a Gemini at rest	Hmm, TRUE…Ms. Late night ToDo lists and ‘Thinking about having to put the sheets on my bed’	ha ha, true true true
One quality (you decide whether it’s good or bad) you have is the ability to lie and appear that you are telling  the complete truth	Wow!? Not enough info on this one…can I trust your answer to this? Haha	no comment
Their emotional involvement tends to run deeper at the outset, but drops into neutral once the thrill of the chase is over	Hmmmm…do I need to play some serious hard to get	I’ve been known to do this from time to time; but the opposite holds true as well.
Dating her might feel more like a friendship then a real relationship due to her casual nature. This is not necessarily a disadvantage, for the casual man who shy’s away from overly romantic emotions, she is the perfect woman.	Hmm, interesting. Don’t know…	Hmm, not sure how to answer as I’ve never had a date say “I feel like we’re just friends”.  That said, I think it’s really important  to be friends with a potential mate.
Gemini’s hot spots are the hands and arms	FALSE…a little neck kissing and nibbling I’m thinking	right you are, my friend
Gemini loves to experiment and sex with a Gemini is full of novelty and excitement, trying anything and everything nearly anywhere. Gemini is not for the faint of heart or the shy and secretive lovers!	Uuhhh…no comment but since I must…TRUE	let’s just say I’m up for trying new things (as long as there isn’t a sadist component)
Gemini eyes are like two beams of light which express a rather electrical quality as they dart from one object to another.	TRUE	aw, thanks
The most beautiful part of Gemini girls are their beautiful eyes	Just wanted to second that motion…hehe	again with the aw, thanks

Cheese, yes.  I know this, but it was a fun little exercise and work distraction.  And it showed that he actually listens to me when I talk.  Still too early to tell anything, but I’m definitely having fun.  And you’ll notice that I used the correct S&M word – my resolutions are really shaping up

How PLT Got Her Groove Back

I’ve been sick since New Year’s Eve.  No, this is not the everlasting effects of a hangover gone awry.  I got sick around 5 pm that day and did not toast the new year with my friends.  Instead I was in my bed, watching the SATC movie on my laptop.  Sad, sad, I know.  This was the first NYE in 10 years that I didn’t go out and celebrate.  Since then, I’ve been a severely congested, coughing troll.  My cubemates narrow their eyes at me while show no promise to stop blowing my nose so loud that it sounds like a herd of elephants.  I have no shame.  My head weighed 25 lbs and I was trying to get it all out.  Anyhow, by last Friday my head weighed approximately 15 lbs and I was feeling loads better, but still not completely normal.

Saturday I agreed to meet some of my friends out for drinks and dancing in celebration of a small victory of my bff’s.  I was thinking it would be a short night –  10:30 to 1 am at the latest.  It was cold and pouring rain and I was kind of dreading the outing.  Once I got there I met up with my friends (all with significant others, I might add, I am the perpetual 3rd, 5th, 11th wheel, etc) and started drinking while we waited for the DJ to set up.  By 11:30 we were on the dance floor remembering how to dance.  By 12 I met the guy who was responsible for me not getting home until 6 am.

Mmm, mmm.  I saw this hottie right away with his newsboy cap and his mad skills on the dance floor.  The boy could move!  Within minutes his friend asked me to dance.  The friend could move as well. I was flattered he asked me to dance with him, but then became paranoid that I looked like a 7th grader at my first school dance.  I seriously think that with each passing birthday I get more and more rhythmically challenged.  How does this happen?!?!  Anyhow, “Drink more!”, I think, as my vodka tonic goes bottoms up.  Meanwhile, newsboy cap boy goes to dance with my group of friends.  It was the dance floor equivalent of Red Rover, Red Rover.  My bff, sweet girl that she is, knew that I liked newsboy cap boy and brought him over to me in a sort of tag team dance maneuver.  I’m now dancing with hottie mcgee newsboy cap boy and she is dancing with the friend.  We dance and dance and dance.  I am a sweaty mess.  He is as dapper as ever.  I get the newsboy cap.  He gets me a drink. 

Finally we close our tabs and he walks me to my car.  It’s around 2 ish.  We talk in my car for about half an hour and I really, really have to pee.  And I’m hungry.  I ask if he could eat and he goes along with my idea for Waffle House.  Off we go.  Mmm, breakfast of champions.  We pick out songs on the jukebox and enjoy our hashbrowns.  I drive us back to the bar to where he’s parked.  It’s 4:15.  We talk, make out, talk, make out some more.  This is the first time since the break-up that I’ve wanted to kiss anyone.  The kissing was h-o-t-t hot!  It has been so long since I’ve been excited about anyone that I was questioning the hot, tingly feeling in my nether regions.  “What is that?  Oh, good!  You’re no longer asexual”, I think to myself, smiling at this fact.  Finally at 5:45 I said I had to go.  After a 10 minute good-bye kiss and the exchange of digits, he let me go. 

LiLu, just for you, he kind of reminds me of this guy from Wedding Crashers and Failure to Launch, (complete with baby blue eyes and designer stubble) but you know, less hot

Bradley Cooper

And, I saw him again last night.  A very improtmu visit while I was on my way home from dinner.  I stopped by his house for an hour where he felt the overwhelming need to tell me numerous times just how attractive I am.  Ah, very nice indeed. 

I don’t have visions of us marching down the aisle, or even of us going to the movies this weekend.  I’m definitely not getting ahead of myself.  I’m simply enjoying the little bit of attention and am glad that the Tin Man persona I’ve been lugging around for the past couple months is finally melting away.  What a nice initiation back into the single,er, dating world

Let the resolutions commence

I normally write only 3 to 4 resolutions a year (if I choose to do any) so that they *could* realistically be attained.  This year however there are a few more.  That said, there is quite the range on the difficulty meter.  While I won’t go into detail about all of them, I’ll periodically no doubt wax poetic on the ones I’ve accomplished*. 

 

An easy one: learn the difference between “sadist” and “masochist”
Odd resolution, perhaps, but easy enough, right?  I’m quite sure I’ve been using these two words interchangeably ever since they came into my vocabulary.  I know what you’re thinking: “PLT!  Why are  you talking about S&M all the time?”  Before you get visions of gag balls and whips in your heads, it’s usually in reference to emotional S&M in relationships – who inflicts the emotional pain, etc.  (Tangent – someone did give me a whip for my birthday once and if you were to look at the top of my closet there may or may not be a box of costumes.  Put that in your dirty little minds!)  So here’s the action – get the definitions.  We’ll see down the road if I can master the “movement” part (read: actually memorizing the definitions and then using the words correctly). Without further ado and help from dictionary.com here we go:

sadist

noun

someone who obtains pleasure from inflicting pain on others

 

masochist

noun

someone who obtains pleasure from receiving punishment

I’ll have to work  out some kind of word association to remember them.  Sadist = sinister and Masochist = mal-aligned, maybe?
  

Moderate to hard: Talk to strangers

I am inherently shy.  I was the kid the hid behind my mother’s legs when an adult tried to speak to me.  My cheeks blushed bright red when I had to talk when I really didn’t want to.  My sister is a year younger than me and her nickname was “jabberjaws”….I let her do almost all of my talking for me.  It got kind of hard though once I went to elementary school and she stayed at home.

Anyhoo, after years of just getting over itand then gaining access to everyone’s favorite social lubricant, I can finally function as a normal person in social situations.  I don’t stutter or wet myself when faced with making chitchat .  I can hold a conversation and even pepper it with witty, sarcastic remarks revealing how very clever I am. 

Outside of set social scenarios (ie happy hours, work, parties), I operate on a high level of  ”stranger danger” alert.  I’m talking level red.  I’m pretty sure this is a combination of living in NoVa when D.C. was the murder capitol of the world and over-protective parents.  I’m very weary particularly of male strangers.  And I think females should b, especially at night time, when in parking lots, etc.  But in bright, highly populated places, perhaps it’s time I moved myself to an alert level of yellow (elevated) or blue (guarded).   

 

Just FYI, this resolution is a result of my current reading of Life as a Verb by Patti Digh.  I asked for this book for xmas and am really digging it! 

 

So far so good on the movement of this resolution.  I started it by making friends with two of my fellow bus riders.  It turns out that one of them used to work at my former company and we have some mutual friends.  I’m feeling positive about this resolution so far, but it’s still too early in the year to have a good sense if I can perpetuate it.  I know me and the first time someone is icy or mean to me, I know I’ll be gun-shy for awhile.  I realize it will take some time for me to transform from the girl who wears her ipod in the grocery store and avoids eye contact with everyone to “miss congeniality”.  But this is sort of a fun social experiment.  One of the quotes from Patti’s book keeps popping up in my head: (paraphrasing) “strangers are just friends we haven’t yet met”.  I know, I know, it sounds all rainbows and teddy bears, but as more of my friends get married and/or move away, I’m going to have to fill the void and the only way I can do that is to put myself out there and meet me some strangers!

Good luck to those of you who decided to resolve something this year.  I hope your *movements* are off to a great start!

 

 

 

 

 

*the real reason I’m not writing them all out here – I’d then feel pressured committed to accomplish all of them!

 

It’s time to let you go. It’s time to say good-bye.

M,

I heard the Ryan Adams song “Fix It” and couldn’t help to think of you:

“I know it’s not a game but it feels like losing when someone you love throws you away.  I’d fix it…I’d fix it if I could.  And I’ll always win..I’d always win…and you would always lose.”

Goddamnit – you did throw me away.  And since then I’ve wrapped myself in this self-inflicted, delusional cocoon thinking that you were just biding your time until you said something along the lines of  ”Just kidding!  You’re the one I want.  I was stupid/retarded/borderline crazy for ever doubting that we should be together”.

I guess it was the new year spirit that finally got to me.  I’ve been the fucking Tin Man for the last month.  I’m tired of being sad.  No, scratch that.  I’m tired of being numb.  I’m tired of getting mad/upset whenever I think of you with a new girl.  But most important, I’m tired of being stupid.  God, I hate it when I’m dumb.  But I guess it’s just part of the process.  Well Buddy (and don’t be confused, my friend - this isn’t the “buddy” of yesterday.  This isn’t the “buddy” where my head is cocked to the right and the -dy part of buddy is all soft and southern like butter melting on a biscuit.  No.   This “buddy” is sharp.  Over-enunciated, even.  This “buddy” includes the narrowing of the eyes), good-bye to you.  I’m finally (finally!) putting all the energy I’ve been using to picture what our kids would look like (your long, dark eyelashes and olive skin, my blue eyes) and how smart they would be (both parents being engineers and all) and instead throwing it toward my new fab dating life.  Lest you forget, let me remind you: I’m a hot commodity.   I know, I know, I forgot that too.  That is until yesterday when I finally took notice of how many men checked me out from when I got off to the bus until I got to my cube.  Again, me being dumb/clueless.  But I’m over it now.  I’ve got brass in pocket and I’m ready to roll.

One more thing, I’d change the last part of the song – because I am a kind, kind individual, I’ll let you win too.  But I get to win first.

Go find your baby book

While at the parents’ house over Christmas break, I decided to do some digging around the family tree. A few 4th of Julys ago I found out over many cheap beers that my dad never met his paternal grandparents. No, they didn’t live in Europe or even on a separate coast. They lived a few blocks away in Boston. He knew them from pictures, but they didn’t even know he or his siblings existed. My dad’s dad was Jewish and my dad’s mom is Baptist. So my paternal grandfather never told his parents he got married. Nor did he tell them that they were grandparents. I found this incredibly sad on so many levels. My dad and his siblings must have felt some type of anguish for being kept a secret. Resentment of their father, perhaps? I don’t know because my dad seldom talks about the past, even when I get him good and liquored up, he’s tight lipped. Most of my info comes from his sister. My grandparents divorced in the mid 1950s (a rarity in that day and age) so maybe that made it even easier for my grandfather to act as though he wasn’t a dad. I don’t believe he ever remarried (my grandmother did). He died when I was 4 or 5. I remember we were back in the states in our house in San Antonio. My dad got the call and then relayed the news to us like it was the weather. He didn’t cry. I can’t remember if he flew up to Boston for the funeral.

All this secrecy is what sparked my interest in finding out where I came from.

During the visit I asked both of my parents if they could give me their family tree info as far back as they could remember. Both of my parents suffer from “selective memory loss” so I was surprised when my dad mentioned that my oldest brother’s baby book has a family tree page that, to his memory, was complete.

Finding the book was easy. First borns always have the best book. Such complete information. His book was literally called “Log o’ Life” and you could chronicle your life up until the day you died. Kind of creepy for a baby book, but my brother stopped documenting at age 10 (his entry about my birth! Guess he got bored by the time my sister came along a year later). I learned some interesting things like we always had the same house in San Antonio and that my parents just rented it out when they went overseas. Also, under the “Incidents” page, there was a brief description of my brother falling out of a moving vehicle in Belgrade. That was it. I thought that was such a nonchalant entry. No words on how fast the car was going of if an ambulance was called. Even when I asked my parents about it my dad responds with

Dad: “What’s the guy’s name on “Friends”? The actor?”
me: “Joey?”
Dad: “No, his real name.”
me: “Matt LeBlanc?”
Dad: “Yeah! That’s it. A kid name LeBlanc pushed him out of the car on the way to nursery school.”
…end of discussion.

So, I found the tree and photocopied it. I’m kind of scared to take on what I perceive to be a big project, but I’m excited about it as well. I’m sure I’ll blog more about it once I dig in.

So then I look at my baby book. Being the third kid, you can imagine that there weren’t too many entries. However, the box it was kept in had a lot of congratulatory cards and such. I started reading through those and got all sentimental.  It nice to think about yourself pre-baggage.  When you were cute and small and every “awwed” over you all the time.  But I digress…I was born in Austria and so there was this one pretty embossed card from the US Ambassador that was all fancy schmancy congratulating my parent’s on the birth of thier fabulous daughter. Then I found this pretty little watercolor of a purple flower. I opened the card (it was really just a little piece of what felt like newsprint) and saw that it was the invitation to the baby shower my mom’s friends threw for her (well, for me!). Can you imagine hand painting (much less, hand writing) invitations today?! I asked my mom about it and she said one of the ladies who thew the shower was very artistic and she made all the invites. I asked my mom if I could keep it – I just thought it was so beautiful! So this weekend I found a frame and I love how it turned out!